Writing through fear
Rachel Kearney
How
to write? No idea. I mean I know what works for me; I read and take long
train rides. I am always thinking in poems, some are white noise as I stare out
the window, others demand to be recorded and with urgency. There is no off
button, but there is a choice to record them or not. I choose to, even if I
think I’ll throw it away once I’m done. The habit of writing is addictive and
instills a confidence in myself and my work. I have a whole drawer full of
napkins filled with bleeding lines and mismatched pages. There is a special
place in my iPhone notes app where poems go to die. The point is, it’s not a
performative act. I do it because there is no expectation to crush my writing
before it exists, no pressure from the strangers peering over my shoulder while
I write in public. I do it because poetry brings me joy, and assigning shame to
writing crushes creativity. I am in no way qualified to give you a step by step
guide for writing (if one could even exist), but I can share things I’ve
discovered through my own experiences that make it easier.
I
recently sat down with a writing friend a few weeks ago, with the chance to
discuss something other than school work. We were able to voice small life
blunders and give each other some advice. My friend looked at me for a while,
then finally said, “You need to relax and be brave”. I thought about that, and
while the advice was meant for my personal life, it was even better advice for
my writing. Every time I put my pen to paper it requires both these things:
relaxing enough to let myself write without hyper-editing as I go, and being
brave enough to know that work doesn’t have to feel finished or perfect for you
to share it. Writing should never be self-conscious, or censored. In fact, it
should be fun.
Relax
by trusting the process. Some days I can write three complete poems, other days
I spend hours writing long entries, exhausting what little creative energy I
had to begin with. It’s all okay, there can be ease in the process and you can
be in the process and not know it. I was stood up by a friend this summer and
ended up sitting on a bench outside of Kensington, watching pigeons eat bread
for two hours. This turned into a poem, and then a theme of poems followed.
Sometimes the process is just stopping and listening. I often feel like
observing other people’s lives is part of my job, and to do this, I have to do
it objectively.
Be
brave enough to say what you feel, and be brave enough to experiment with how
you say it. It takes courage for me to share my unfinished work, but the
lingering excuse of “it’s not done yet” prevents me from moving forward with my
writing. A safe first step is to start with someone you trust, and outsource
from there. Wherever it is, the process is important and hearing other people’s
opinions are equally important. The best way to get people’s opinions is to
read. Out loud. In front of strangers! There is nothing I am more scared of,
than standing in a badly lit bar and reading my work. If there’s a microphone
it’s game over. I didn’t know I could sweat through my elbows, but poetry
readings have taught me that anything is possible. Going to readings alone can
be scary, but worthwhile. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still awkward but be brave
and meet new people. Their work may inspire you, or they might care enough to
give you advice on your own.
You
don’t have to sit down and write a novel, just start with a line. Writing is
something that should bring joy and the advice my friend gave helped pull me
out of the struggle I created. Writing is a choice and sometimes it’s hard but
you are the one who chose to do it, so just get started.
Rachel Kearney is a writer from Toronto who
is interested in the intersection of poetry and design. She is pursuing her
Bachelor of Design with a minor in Creative Writing at York University. A chapbook
is forthcoming from above/ground press.
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